Suicidal yesterday, good today

Trigger Warning: I talk about some dark stuff here.

Last week about this time I was in such great emotional pain that I was thinking about suicide every few minutes.  I pulled up to a roadside diner that had parallel parking on the road.  When I got out of the car I was feet away from traffic screaming by.  I could feel the gush of air from a Mac truck just feet away from me, and the only thing I could think of is that I had missed my chance.  I obsessed about how I would plan another perfect opportunity.  They would say it was a tragic accident.  I called the Suicide Call Back Service while I hid away in my office.  I hung up thinking, “What the hell am I doing calling them from work?”  I somehow stayed alive.  The death in my thoughts left as easily as it came.

This week, life is working for me.  I can’t figure out how or why I was suicidal (again).  I did miss one dose of meds (something that is extremely odd for me), but I still don’t understand the contrast of feelings.  I physically and mentally feel different when I’m suicidal.  I am working on ways to explain HOW the feelings are different.  I’ll break it down one day once I can keep track of it when I’m in a negative space.  All capacity for blogging, tracking, talking, caring, etc., goes out the window.  Now I am good.  Now I’m getting back on track.  I’m not sure why.  I’ve learned that I will be knocked over again soon.  Nonetheless, I keep on going for now.

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FUN. SHIT. BIPOLARIFIC (II that is).

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Posted in Feelings, Medical, Mood, Uncategorized

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